Note: This is a work of fiction. But,but…any resemblance to any situation or person in purely intentional.
In a planet far far away, somewhere in an alien conference room, an alien manager calls his alien subordinate for his yearly appraisal meeting.Our protagonist’s name is Bin Tuqkodudyll ShirdikhLa Den. We’ll just call him Bin. As is the policy of the company,Bin was sent on a project to Planet Earth as a test of his survival skills in midst of primitive technology & primitive earthlings (by virtue of brains). He had returned just the previous day.
Manager : Good morning,Bin.Good to be back on homeland,huh? Let me tell you one thing,son. If you have survived earth-phase of your career, you have survived every existential catastrophe there is. To tell you the truth, our people who are sent there sometimes take ages to get off that god-forsaken planet and return home. Some of them just give up and stay back in their transformed bodies. You heard of a human lady called Paris Hilton? That’s the original guy in the pic. Fresher batch 1997.My team.Guess he just wasn’t smart enough to make it back.
Bin: That explains a lot. Most people on earth will be relieved to know she isn’t one among them.
Manager: Lets get started with your appraisal process. Have you filled your accomplishments for the objectives set last year?
Bin:No boss,you did not set any objectives for me last year in spite of my repeated requests.
Manager: Surprise surprise! I have your objectives ready now. Ta-da(flashes a print out)
Bin: (shocked) You have my objectives for last year ready now, during my appraisal meeting??? I have a hunch I MIGHT not have enough time to finish any tasks that I have missed out.
Man:Never mind,lets just hear it from the horse’s mouth. Indulge me. I have your money now. Ha-ha.
Bin: Okay. The requirements document for the project had only one statement : “Ensure the Bollywood movie Kites bombs at the box office“. That’s it. I spent whole nights wondering until now how this project got any revenue for our company,if it did.
Man: You will come to know when the TIME is ripe. Now tell me,What is Bollywood?
Bin: Errr..Shouldn’t you be knowing that by now,being my manager?
Man: Do I look like an idiot to you? (raising his voice) DO I? I do look like an idiot, but I’m not.(calms down) I am checking if YOU comprehend the project title correctly. Ok just go ahead.
Man: (I can’t recall this boy’s project. I will let him rattle off the entire story and see if I can recollect something.I just need some jargon which I have heard before ; then I’ll unleash my managerial powers on him)
Bin : Sir, I can proudly say that the project was completed on time and it was a tremendous success. Kites has already gone down in history as one of the biggest ever box office duds in Bollywood(beaming at his boss).
Man: (Beaming too) We are all proud of you, young Bin (young Bin? Is this Star Wars?). Now give a brief on how you accomplished this momentous task.
Bin : But why are you asking all this NOW? We had weekly video conferences where I updated my status to you regularly. You always seemed over-excited during our meetings,shouting “Good job, Bin!” even when I asked you a question.
Man: Silly boy,don’t ask too many questions or I’ll have to just take it for granted that you are making things up and haven’t done anything!!! (The poor bastard thinks I attended his meetings.Little does he know that I just had a 3D-life size prop of mine installed which keeps shaking its head,grinning from ear to ear and exclaiming “Good job, Bin!” in one minute intervals. Isn’t that all a boss is supposed to do anyway?)
Bin : (slightly flustered now but regaining his composure) Sorry boss, let me elucidate.Right from the beginning,I was very clear that I had to drill my way to the nucleus and destroy the enemy from inside, the core, the heart. The heart of any story…the woman….. and here comes my masterstroke….I became…..
(he continues passionately) I shape-shifted into a hot chick,called myself Barbara Mori and appeared in front of the Takla…I mean, Rakesh Roshan. I fabricated stories of my Spanish origin & Spanish movies which never existed and voila…I was the female lead of the movie.I seduced the younger one,distracted him & together we both gave the worst performance by any pair in movie history.I hypnotized the minds of everyone involved thus ensuring the movie conks up at the boxoffice. I think I did an excellent job and hope you will give me an appropriate appreciation( in salary) for my efforts.
Man: (To himself: About time! I remember this project now. Time to show off ;)) Yes Bin, you did a great job. (Sigh) Let me first give you a little background on the project. Its a story of BETRAYAL,VENDETTA & JUSTICE.
(Slowly takes out a photo from his drawer)
Do you know this person?
Bin: Why, of course! He is Mr.Zongdukluk Tuk, son-in-law of our honorable CEO. (Yes guys,Jadoo got married in 2006)
Man : Yes.7 years ago,when Mr.Zongdukluk was still a kid, he acted in a movie with those sons of bitches,the Roshans. He was really excited before he left. Lets just say that he was treated very evilly by the earthlings.He was subjected to mockery and racial abuse. They denied him sunlight despite his fervent pleas of “Dhoop,dhoop,dhoop”.They even changed him name to something horridly dumb.The kid broke down on his return and went into a chronic depression.And imagine their nerves,they contacted us again through the “Om,om,om,om” signal asking us to send Mr.Zongdukluk for a sequel of the movie!!! He was a grown up by then and wanted to go to Earth and settle scores with them. Knowing his volatile temperament, we did not want to take any risk.We had a better plan. And thus your project was conceived.
Bin : (ooo, my work is concerned with the CEO himself,this is cool…) So what about my hike,sir?
Man: Aah, your hike..(long pause, looks pityingly at Bin,then matter-of-factly) You will get 2.7346 % hike on your current salary. Congrats! Are you satisfied,my boy? flashes creepy grin
Bin: NO WAY! What is this all about? I did such a great job and you just affirmed it too. With my base salary, a hike of 2.7346% will not even get me a medium Earth-pizza!
Man: Boy,there are lot of other factors to be considered while giving appraisals.Also,I am looking at the objectives sheet I have here and you haven’t done everything you were supposed to do.Ummm..lets see.. it says here you were supposed to work on building a holographic 3D image projector. Any progress on that?
Bin : WHAA-? YES,THERE IS PROGRESS.I DIDN’T KNOW THE FRIGGIN’ PROJECT EXISTED. NOW I KNOW! (calming down)So doesn’t my work mean anything? It was for the CEO himself. Shouldn’t I get a better appreciation for my work?
Man: Calm down, Bin.Lets face it.Both of us know the movie would have bombed anyway,Barbara or no Barbara. The fate of the movie had already been decided by the cosmos.Frankly,even my 5-year old son could have done what you have achieved now.
Bin : But you don’t have a son,do you?
Man: I stand corrected. My imaginary 5-year son would have done better than you.This meeting is done.Thank you very much.
Bin : I am not accepting this. I am not signing the letter.You can do whatever you want.
Man: Who said anything about signing, Mr.Bin? This meeting was For Your Information,that is all.
Bin : I WILL TAKE THIS UP WITH THE HIGHER AUTHORITIES.Where can I put forth my grievances regarding my raise?
Man: We are working on a web portal for all the salary grievances. You can register and post your feelings there. I will look into it as soon as time permits.You trust your boss,don’t you? wink wink