Chaos Theory-The Common Wealth Games

The Commonwealth Games Organizing committee  has put up some travel tips for the foreign tourists traveling to India during the games. TOI ran an article.

I went to the website and browsed through the section. They have done a decent job of putting together a lot of detailed instructions, some seemingly trivial points to actually useful ones. Few of the tips are hilarious though, more so because they actually make sense and are perfectly applicable in the crazy milieu that is India.

Picked up a few gems from the list. And added my notes ;)

1) Be aware that public displays of affection (hugging, kissing) are generally not appreciated. However, it is common to see men showing affection and camaraderie on the roads and in villages throughout the country.

Crystal clear advice. Enjoy the joie-de-vivre around and our awesome camaraderie. Just don’t touch us. Or better, keep away from your boyfriend/girlfriend too.

2) If you are male introduced to a lady or a grown-up girl, don’t take the initiative of offering a handshake. If she extends her hand, you must reciprocate, but don’t be the first to extend your hand.

Taking initiative for a handshake is punishable by 1000 lashings in public under the Indian Penal Code section 203A. And if you do not reciprocate a woman’s handshake, the little finger on your left hand will be cut off and parceled to your home country.Cross your fingers correctly,or lose them.

3) If you find the lady is not extending a hand shake, go for the Namastey. Even with men, the Namastey can be an excellent little PR gimmick! Follow it up with a kaise hai (how are you?) and you have broken the first block of ice if one there was!

This is fun. Usually the response will be “Arey behnnc*od, yeh angrez hamari bhasa kab se bol ne lage.Oi vherry nice ji,vherry nice”. Don’t panic. Just smile and walk away quietly.

4) Many Indians are in the habit of shaking their head in the course of conversation or taking instructions. Don’t show amusement if you witness this.

Don’t show any amusement. Just tag along and nod your head vigorously too, the great Indian nod. Learn by watching this video :

5) Politics can be freely discussed in India and most people will have an opinion which they will not mind being contradicted, but avoid discussing religion.

So if you are in a mood for adventure, find a noisy bunch of Indians and start a topic on politics and just for the heck of it, contradict everything they say.
“Manmohan Singh is a bad PM”
“Nah”
“So are you saying Manmohan Singh is a good PM?”
“Hmm,nah”
“Do you even know who our PM is?”
“Nope”
Note: Indians eat spicy food and are considered to be temperamental people.Just a fore-warning.

6)In India, public toilet facilities are few and far between and outside of the hotels and restaurants can be of dubious cleanliness. We recommend taking every opportunity you can to use a clean toilet in hotels and restaurants and that you carry tissues/wet wipes with you.

THIS. This is the most useful advice to anyone visiting India or for that matter anyone living in India too. Don’t bring your dirty stuff outdoors . Leave it at home.

7) Never buy food from roadside stalls or mobile canteens. Not that they are necessarily bad, but one’s system may not be accustomed to such delicacies which may result in an upset stomach.

This is a polite way of saying – do not to get adventurous with Indian food. If you get cocky with Indian food, it will eat you, not the other way round. This and the previous advice are correlated, of course. Also,this is a clever way of making the tourists eat at expensive places and thus increase our tourism revenue .(Russell Peters Indian voice)India got brains,buddy.

8) Wash your hands before and after eating.

You need not carry any water bottles with you. We have a hand-wash facility every 10 meters in India. Just reach for your nearest pothole.

9) If you are buying from roadside stalls or hawkers be prepared to bargain. Start by offering half the price and settle for 60 per cent.

We are ages ahead of you dumb westerners. We’ve already instructed the shopkeepers to quote 8 times the price to start with.

10) Even in the most cosmopolitan of cities in India the chances are that your different appearance might mean that you will be stared at. Please do not be offended. No harm is meant, it is just curiosity.

Also,we Indian men believe ogling at a white female showers us with the blessings of the Hindu deities. No wild sexual fantasies are involved during the ogling.

11) Self- drive cars though available are not recommended as it is not advisable for you to drive on the Indian roads with all the traffic.

Never say “Over my dead body” when in India. You’ll never even know what hit you.

So while the other nations look on with amusement and the chaos and pandemonium going on,all we can do is pray that the games go on smoothly. I’m sure there is going to lot of unintended fun; lets hope that the safety of participants and tourists are ensured. Or we’ll simply blame it on the British.

As a song lyric in Peepli Live goes,

….Baat hai chhoti bada patangad
Arrey India sir yeh cheez durandhar
Jaib dalidar dil hai samandar
Jaib dalidar dil hai samandar……
:)

If interested : CWG OC Travel Tips

I have been Tagged!!!

(Tagging : The original blog author writes a post then tags fellow bloggers who will then write a blog post on the same topic and then tag more people, thus continuing the chain)

Rashmi has tagged me with the topic “7 things about myself“.Since its our Gurumata’s order, I had no choice but to write “7 things about myself” :D. Presenting :

1) I get scared watching horror movies.They are fun and entertaining,but when the lights turn off & it gets dark, thats when the shadows turn sinister.For the next couple of days, I maintain a heightened sense of awareness by checking behind the door before entering the restroom at night,checking over my shoulder etc.

2) This started very recently – sometimes when I see a particularly moving sequence in a movie,I start “cutting onions”. While that’s OK,off late I have this slight urge to break into a full-fledged cry and get it done with. Guess I am getting older. In the future,when I go to watch Toy story 6 and Andy says “…Woody’ll never give up on you…He’ll always there for you, no matter what.”, I hope I don’t end up bawling in the theater and scare the kids sitting next to me.

3) Mom & dad feel I have sorta lost my way after I moved to Bangalore. They say I was a sweetheart and a gem of a boy before and haven’t changed for good as years passed by. I think they are just sad :). Though I miss living with my parents, I haven’t regretted moving here one day.

4) I will never want to be out of India for any extended period of time (say,more than 1 year).I can confidently say now that this opinion will never change.After all,home is where the heart is :).

5) I love my fridge! In fact, its the first big thing I bought from my own earning. There’s something really satisfying & soothing about having a big box full of food items,stored in a cool place; makes you feel you are leading the good life.Some innocent happiness which no other gadget will give.Watever :D

6) I am wittier when I write than when I speak. I do crack the occasional joke,but spontaneity and quick comebacks are not my greatest strengths.

7) I am a sucker for anime. So much that if I find a gal who is an anime fan,its like 90% done from my side (I can safely say this because I know its a wild goose chase) ;).

Okay,done . I am tagging  Vini, Divya, Kavya, Krish. Anyone else who wants to be tagged , please feel free to ping me. Who knows this might be your big chance! Who knows, this may go on to become something HUGE and imprint your name in the annals of history. Who knows! ;) :D :P