Crises of our times:Part 2 – Really bad times at the movies

I love all genres of movies (cheesy Bollywood fare included) and take pride at being an intelligent movie-goer.But these are grave times for a movie-buff to live in.Friday after Friday, one crappy movie after another gets released,is rejected and bites the dust. 2010 may well have been the worst year for movies. If you are a movie buff, you will know what I am talking about. Lets get some perspective. I was in 6th standard when Jurassic Park released, in 1993. It would take too long for the movie to reach my small town theater; so I watched it on VCD. Little did I realize that years later, I am going to regret all my life for having missed that cinematic experience of a lifetime. Year 2000. Lagaan releases and sweeps the nation in a frenzy where theaters turned into cricket stadiums in a never-before-seen mass hysteria. Or so they say,because I watched the movie in its 12th week,with a 3rd or 4th time audience who only cheered when Bhuvan hit the winning sixer. Since then, I’ve taken a silent pledge that I will watch all big movies in theater. And that’s how I came to see Iron Man 2,Clash of the Titans,Tron:Legacy in 2010,to name a few.Your regular,big-budget, highly-anticipated movies.The twist is,instead of enjoying these movies, I had to endure them. So I thought its time for a rap on the knuckles for our filmmakers.

Let me address our Bollywood fraternity first, one by one:

Mr.Akshay Kumar,
I have somehow ended up seeing lot of your movies in the recent past and have hated most of them. I am sick and tired of your shout-out-your-lines dialogue delivery,your dead-pan-face type of comedy or your I-am-just-being-really-really-stupid-so-you-morons-laugh-at-me kind of roles. I believe there are more such roles of you in 2011 too, one among which is directed by Shirish Kunder.God bless your career. Just one question: How the frig did you think Tees Maar Khan was going to work at any level???

Mr.Johar & Mr. Bhansali,
I want to believe that your attempts were sincere. But please avoid mish-mashing 4-5 Hollywood movies into one movie and presenting it to us and thinking that if one part of the mish-mash doesn’t work, the rest 3 definitely will.Copy just one movie at a time and do it sincerely. Stick to the original. Also please avoid adding sequences just to manipulate the audience’s emotions and make them teary-eyed. Try this : Hrithik Roshan’s mom comes to meet him, and in the next scene,BAM! she is dead. Ash’s husband appears, beats her and takes her away and is never seen again.

Mrs.Farah Khan,
I liked MHN & loved OSO, but TMK? All I can say to you is,keep your husband out of Bollywood. And same question as Akki: Didn’t you at any point during the shooting of that horrendous movie have a hunch that something really terrible is going on here? Or were you just conning everyone involved into some kind of heist like hero does in the movie?

Mr.Shirish Kunder (writer of TMK,Farah Khan’s husband)
Stay away from movies. JUST.STAY.AWAY.

Mr.Hrithik Roshan ,
Just when you are about to sign a movie,please follow these steps: 1) Take a deep breath. 2) Pause. 3) Take a deep breath again. 4) Relax for a minute. 5) Now continue.

Mr.Abhishek Bachchan,
No idea? Get idea.

Mr.Imran Khan,
Making cute puppy-like faces is not going to get you anywhere as an actor.Grow up fast and choose better roles.

Mr.Ram Gopal Varma,
Sir, no one knows what goes on in your mind.You won’t listen to me anyway. Even as you dump one crappy idea after another on us, we still expect you to suddenly come up with another spark of brilliance like a Satya or a Company or one of your superb Telugu movies from times long past. I sometimes wonder where you get the money for all the “experimental” cinema you make.

Ms.Deepika Padukone, Ms. Priyanka Chopra, Ms.Sonam Kapoor and all ladies,
Munni & Sheila stole the thunder from you gals last year. I hope you follow their footsteps and do a better job in 2011 :P ;)

To all Hollywood filmmakers in general,
You guys have succeeded in making me groan every time at the end of a film trailer, you announce “in 3D” with a thud.Lets admit it, not all of us are James Cameron and not every movie is Avatar. Please don’t use 3D just for the heck of it and definitely don’t add it as an afterthought.10 out of 10 times, the effects are going to be disastrous. (Clash of the Titans, Avatar:The Last airbender). I also want to point out that original ideas and great story-telling will always be appreciated, but I guess we are too late for this year. 2011 is again going to choc-a-bloc with dead and buried franchises being brought to life, prequels,remakes,sequels of remakes and what not. I daresay I’m looking forward to few of them ( X Men: first Class,Kung Fu panda 2, Captain America etc). So I can only appeal to you not to spoil the the sanctity and the honor for the original movies, and if you can, at least try to get some sort of plot going.

But we can’t stop going to the movies,can we? :) Like, I know Transformers-3 is going to be as crappy as TF-1 & TF-2, with close up shots of colorful metal clanking and scattering all over the screen, but I am still going to catch it anyway. I only hope things get so bad that Micheal Bay gets nominated for Oscars next year. Have a great time at the movies!

Update: Seems like 7 Khoon Maaf is also getting bad reviews. Goes to prove even a brilliant filmmaker like Vishal Bhardwaj can have a bad day too. Alas, where have the good stories gone?

Advertisements