If I win an Oscar…

I am terrible at posing for photographs. I think I lost it somewhere during my teen years, when your chubbiness and awkwardness can no longer be passed off as childish cuteness. It took me years to realize it, and I still struggle with it. Every time, a camera is pointed towards me, whatever little vestige of coolness  I have deserts me and I make a face as if I am teetering on the verge of a major stomach upset.

Like Chandler Bing.
chandlerbing

So when a recent portrait I uploaded on facebook got more than 10 likes, I could not believe my own eyes. For a moment, I wondered if this is a parallel universe where everyone likes me. I did a quick Google search. This universe has Mila Kunis and Emma Watson and I still hate Twlight. So things are normal, parallel universe or not. Seriously, who cares about pictures of guys on FB? (Or that is what I would like to believe.) I don’t blame them though. I do the same too. I am choosy about how I distribute my likes and comments. I hold them close to my heart and value their worth in gold. For instance, when a guy’s picture comes up on my newsfeed, all I see is a wall of blur as I ruthlessly continue scrolling past. Doesn’t matter if this guy is a close friend and the picture is actually good.  And I come across a gal’s pic and this particular pic is average at best (This is a hypothesis.None of my FB female friends need be offended). I pause. There are already some 112 likes and 64 comments of “Hawwwwt”,”Sooo pretty”,”Cutieeeeeeee XOXOXO”,”Mashallah!”. My thought process slowly catches its train, “I have spoken to this gal only once in my entire life and I most probably will not recognize her if I see her in person now, but she already has so many likes and comments. I think this picture deserves my “special” like. I’ll just add one more. Maybe it will make her day to see I liked her pic.” And click. I think its a fair justification. And if it is a picture of a group of guys and gals, my retina is tuned so that only the gals move into focus while the guys merge into the background. Anyway, back to my picture. Slowly and steadily, it crossed 15 likes. This was overwhelming! I could barely contain my excitement. Lo and behold! The next day, 20 likes! I was beyond myself. Does anyone remember the scene in Spiderman 2 where Peter Parker walks with a swagger to the song “Raindrops keep fallin’ on my head” playing in the background? Exact same feeling. I told a friend of mine that I feel like giving an acceptance speech thanking everyone, like they do at award ceremonies. She said,”Why don’t you blog about it? In any case, receiving so much love and affection is not good for your ego anyway. It will be good way to get it out of your system and come back to earth”. She was right. So yeah, until this point, this post was about how this post was conceptualized.

Here is the speech (There are chances of me getting a little carried away, but do stay with me):

“Wow, this … this is amazing. I never expected to receive so much love from all you guys in the form of left-clicks on mouses which are worth absolutely nothing in real world.  I feel so humbled. I have struggled hard to reach this stage, where I am standing right now. There were difficult and distressing times, times when I got only 2-3 likes or even worse. Tirelessly,I ran from pillar to post looking for a decent background for my portraits but every time I returned disheartened. I wallowed in self-pity when I saw my classmates and colleagues who are now moms of two kids and double my size in breadth getting many more likes than me. My parents have been a great support system for me in these arduous times. In fact, when the magic number was reached, I immediately called mom and gave her the wonderful news and she was so,so happy.(Wipes tears from corner of the eyes). She is here with us right now. (Points among the audience)”Mom,this one’s for you”. Now, if my prospective in-laws after seeing my pic, ask my parents, “How many likes does this picture have on facebook? Our girl will only marry a boy who has a minimum of 20 likes”, my parents will not have to hang their heads in shame. I would also like to thank Nikon where I got the $1000 camera, and Irfanview, the cheap/free editing software which I used to retouch the said picture. And finally, thanks to Facebook for providing me with the right platform to showcase myself. Thank you Facebook. Thank you Mark Zuckerburg.”

Speaking of parallel universes, I hope this one has mayonnaise. That would be a deal breaker for me.

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Letters from Singapore – Part 1

Dear Mother,
Hope this letter finds you in good health and spirit. I duly apologize for not writing to you often enough and promise that I will write to you regularly from henceforth.

I am doing quite well. I like this country and the people. The sights and sounds are wondrous. But it would not be an exaggeration to say that the weather is unpredictable. It is terribly humid one moment and the next moment,it starts raining cats and dogs. And within minutes, its a clear sky again. Everyone here seems to be in a terrible rush to go someplace which makes me wonder where so many people are going on such a small island. The kids are really chubby and naughty but their mothers are quite grumpy, possibly driven up the wall by the kids. As is the case anywhere else,older people are only too eager to talk and the young ones try to look as smug and aloof as possible and often end up looking dazed and lost. I would like to narrate a minor incident here if you will indulge me for a bit. I met an elderly person, a local, on the train the other day who was asking for directions.We started conversing and suddenly he asked if I was married or if I have a girlfriend. He told me about his family and that he has two daughters both of who are in their early 20’s and are married and that he has 2 grand kids(without me asking anything). He went on to advise me to marry a girl from a rich family for obvious reasons, but finally added “Love is love, lah. If you love somebody, marry her no matter who she is”. Now that I have narrated the incident, I get a feeling that it might concern you as to what mischief I am unto. Do not fret, mother. I have no plans of finding a bride in this country.

Moving on, you will be pleased to hear that the kadai(cooking vessel) you gave me is in perfect shape. Your worries about its condition are completely misplaced.  The other day,I overcooked the brinjal a little which resulted in some blackening around the center but it was nothing a diligent washing couldn’t remove. Please do not pester father on this matter. While we are onto cooking, this thing has been bothering me. I have valiantly tried to recreate your “mudde palya”(north karnataka style dal) many a times, but the wretched dish just doesn’t turn out the way you make it. Its like when you make it, all the individual ingredients understand each other and blend perfectly which when boiled together, culminate into an ethereal,rich combination of heavenly taste(combined with ghee, of course) and when I try to do the same, the ingredients don’t get along well, fight with each other and are mixed together forcibly resulting in a bland tasting concoction with a hateful aura. It positively irks me that I not able to get what seems like a simple recipe correct. I request you to include a detailed recipe of the dish in your next letter without omitting even the tiniest of details.

Do you find time to watch you favorite TV shows now? I recall your lamenting that there multiple shows going on at the same time slot and you are having trouble catching up on all the shows. The last time I visited you, I remember watching episodes of a show where the male lead and the female lead started turning towards each other to meet each other’s gaze. What a tense situation that was! They started turning on Monday and by the time I left on Friday, they had successfully pivoted 30 degrees towards each other. Have their eyes met yet? And for how many episodes did they stare into each other’s eyes later? Do let me know. I was very much hooked to all the pivoting and it was unfortunate that I had to leave it midway.

One last thing before I end this letter. Mother, I see that you have recently made your grand entry into the world of social media. I am happy and proud of you. But please be prudent while using Facebook. If you see a page saying if you comment “Om Sai Ram” 108 times,something good will happen to you today, DO NOT believe and start commenting. Also google and Facebook are not same. If you want to search for some word, go to google.com. I realized this after I saw your latest FB status updates – “Mooli paratha recipe” and “tomorrow weather”. I would also appreciate if you don’t reply to each of my status updates with an appropriately timed “Have you had your breakfast/lunch/dinner?” after which none of my friends respond to it. I will give you a phone call and update you about my meals for the day.

That is all from my side. Please take care of your health. I will write to you again shortly. Convey my regards to father.

Yours loving son,

P.S: The chatni pudi(peanut powder) you packed me is finished up already. I think you should pack me 1 kg of it next time.

A Crappy Questionnaire

I prepared this questionnaire just so I could bug few of my friends here into answering these crappy questions. So tagging Rashmi, Vini, John, Krish. You can change the gender in the questions as per your preferences. Also, anyone else wants to be tagged can let me know, or need not let me know. It’s upto you. Or you can answer any of the questions in the comments too ;). Below are my responses to my own questions :

What, in your opinion, are the 5 most over-rated things in recent times?

  1. Facebook – Facebook is like marriage. You know it’s all stupid out there, but you login anyway.
  2. Beer – I tasted it only recently,and I think people only have it because its cheap.
  3. Fair Skin – I only hope mom would realize this.
  4. Katrina Kaif – She is really pretty, but I don’t find her hot. More specifically, Munni can give Sheila a run for her money.
  5. Batman – The movies are great, but I still can’t believe anyone could be a superhero with no superpowers! There is some manipulation going on there.

What 3 wishes would you ask if you stumble across a genie on the way to work? (You can only ask for material things. No unrealistic things like perfect wife/husband, world peace etc. No loopholes such as more wishes,more genies etc. No asking money :P)

  1. A  transmogrifier (transform to anyone I want)
  2. A time machine
  3. An invisibility cloak.

….Muhahahahahaha.

What is the one singular deed would you like to do if you were given a chance to go back in time? (apart from Killing Hitler and (guys)one night with Helen of Troy,Cleopatra and all other hot chicks of the past)

Zoom off to the Cretaceous Period and hitch a ride on the T-Rex,of course!!!!

Tell us 3 things you wish you knew when you turned 18.

  1. That I won’t have found my gal even when I am 26,so I better start searching NOW.
  2. ASK. If you need help,if you don’t know something,ASK. I don’t have a count of how many things I might have screwed up just because I didn’t ASK.
  3. That there will come a time when something called reality TV will become a rage and we will have to watch stuff like this and this and  I will have to brace myself for it.

What are the 3 geekiest things about you?

  1. When I think no one is watching, I extend my hand and use the force to open automatic sliding doors.
  2. I love the movie From Dusk till Dawn not because it had a semi-nude Salma Hayek dancing, but because it had zombies.
  3. If someone writes “Your such a sweet guy”, 9 out of 10 times I’ll reply back saying “You’re“,even at the risk of contradicting their statement.

Tell us 3 things that make you go “Awwww”

  1. When you see a small kid standing at the bus stop clutching his parent’s finger, watching with a stricken face, as if fervently wishing for the school bus not to come.
  2. When you see an old couple sitting on a park bench, laughing.
  3. When you have a fight with your best friend(female), and then when you patch up,she asks you,”Did you miss me?”

What are the kinds of people you are biased against,possibly unreasonably:

  1. People who plan to settle abroad
  2. People who are too finicky about spending money
  3. Oriyas – Exaggeration. I do have a couple of Oriya friends :)

What is that one lie that you absolutely intend to tell your kids?

That if you watch TV for more than half hour at a stretch, the TV will vanish in a puff of smoke and we will no longer have a TV.

What 3 words would Dusshasana have said when Krishna started supplying silk sarees to Draupadi from above? (Those tagged can change this question. Answer will remain)

A.J.M (Akkan Just miss)

Which fictional characters do you identify most with?

  1. Ross Geller from FRIENDS
  2. Harry Potter

The gal sitting on the other side of the bus is giving you the looks. What do you do?
Blush heavily,try uncomfortably to make eye contact, fail miserably,look this side and that, try again,again blush heavily..and so on.

Any FFFFUUUUUUU moment happened to you recently?

My yoga master got me into this pose and started counting from 1 to 30,slowly. 1….2…..3…By the time the count reached 30, I went FFFFFUUUUUUUUUUU…….

What song is playing in your head RIGHT NOW?
Hud hud Dabanng Dabanng Dabanng Dabanng Hud hud Dabanng…..

Crap!

One day at Office…

 I had no- I didn’t have much work at office today. So I sat down to write limericks. I have to say office atmosphere is not very conducive for this kind of writing, but I got a few going and thought of the rest on the bus back home. Presenting to you, my first attempt at poetry. Torture yourself :D

* 
There was once a girl called Rachel
Everyday she updated her facebook status without fail
One day it said “I just brushed my teeth”

The next “My boyfriend Peter is a big cheat”
Peter saw this and got his face frowned
Next day his status said “Me and Rachel went to the river and she tragically drowned”

*
There was once a boy called Pavan
He was leading a good life; simple, peaceful and loven’
His mom dad started bugging him “Get married, son get married”
And poor Pavan kept running away,looking frightened and harried
Found a safe spot and made a secret wish to Santa,

Ab kya bataon, Aage ki lines(sigh)……. main nahi jaanta ;)
*
There were test matches and players wore whites
Now there is IPL and all you see is slaps and fist fights
There were batsmen who made stadiums illuminate
Now there are disguised Bajrang Dal activists with a rod making me hallucinate :P


Once there was a guy called blogger,
None of what he wrote induced an iota of laughter,
Entire life all he did was slog,slog,slog
His last words were “Please check my BLOG” :D
*
Today I saw a hot maal at the mall,
Made my heart come out and fall,
Agreed she was no Ash Rai,
But I surely didnt wanna become her Rakhi Bhai,
Suddenly a fragrance threw me off her trail, I wonder
Mangoes have arrived, yay , who cares if the chick’s legs are slender or thighs thunder ;-)

*
(Div)
There were two friends, so-so and Bheegi Billi,
What they actually wanted they didn’t know,really
So they always ended up fighting each other silly
The hero in Avatar was called Mr.Jake Sully :)