Crises of our times:Part 1 – The 25-odd single Indian male

At this point,some of my friends are going to point out to me that I’m not 25-odd and that I’m, in fact, 26 years and 5 months, 6 days old and ticking. May god strike down upon them with thunder and lightning. Seems like quarter life crisis is a real thing. These days, I find myself exclaiming, “WTF? That Miss World chick can’t be 17! Look at how ‘healthy’ she looks” I guess I’m just in a state of denial. 2-3 years ago seemed much….better. I hope to grow out of this very soon and comfortably fantasize about gals much younger than me. And while we are on the topic,I shall no longer be jealous of Katrina Kaif. 3 years ago, I expressed my shock like this – this woman, this huge,big bosom-ed woman is MY age? While I look like a bachcha?!  3 years later, circa 2010, she did a Sheila Ki Jawani and I have no choice but to accept her wholeheartedly.Now lets look at the some of the practical aspects of the issue at hand. Being 25 and single, you are subjected to every kind of slander – from uncles you have never known “do you have a clear path for your career and life?” to the aunties “Beta,why you no marry? long term good. If no marry now, you retire and your son still no job” to your 15-year old niece “25 and single? Disgraceful” to your mom “Ayyo,why have you become dark? Have you tired applying honey mixed with lime?”. As for me,I have no worries. The family elders have assured me of total freedom – “we have no problem with you finding a gal by yourself.But she should be a Brahmin…and a kannadiga…and of course she should not be of the same gotra….and the 28 qualities in your horoscope should match. But you are free to select any gal you want”.This gotra thing is a huge issue.Until now,I had no opinion of sage Vishwamitra(my gotra) except for a mild amusement,courtesy his fiery affair with a high-profile celestial maiden, but now I positively annoyed at the guy.Actually, that kind of proves that I’m his descendant, because being annoyed was said to be his favorite kind of emotion.(which n turn implies I’ll have a fiery,passionate affair with some celestial babe..hee hee hee) Anyways,going by this, if I fancy a gal, I’m going to start the conversation with “So, what’s your gotra?”.And if she is the same gotra,”Blimey! We are brother and sister! I’m so glad I met you and asked you this question before I asked you out”.

Not that its easy to find a gal you fancy at this juncture.Forget college years, you have even past the age where you could just send fraandship request you any random gal on orkut,”like” every gal’s status message and comment on every photo in FB or log in to yahoo chat rooms and ping a “cutegal008” with “asl (age sex location)?”. By now, you would have seen lot of gals come, pass by, get married and settle down; you would have analyzed and ruthlessly judged your female friends for all their good and bad points (sorry? :D) and then painstaking built a mental image of your perfect girl,carried it around everywhere mentally doing a “scan” on every gal you meet and always ending up with a “Pattern match failed”.Slowly,wisdom dawns upon you. The other day when I told my “criteria” to Rashmi, she was surprised “This is all? You are not able to find a gal with such simple criteria?” I said “Oh,these are my arranged marriage criteria. My love marriage criteria are different”.Go ahead and judge me all you want, I only speak the truth.

And all your married (ex-)friends are no inspiration either.Right after marriage, they suddenly disappear from the face of the earth and are zapped into a parallel universe where no single is allowed access.You can only access them through windows between the two universes,like facebook photo albums, gtalk and such. As much as you want to believe from their cute,smiling faces in the pics, you can’t help but think that is an elaborate racket going on here. Everyone including your parents,close friends,relatives,the TV,the government,Suresh Kalmadi(why not?) is involved in this racket and are trying their level best to push you into the proverbial well.You never know what goes on in the other universe.You finally ignore all the ominous signs,all the warnings and finally take the bait and then the truth dawns upon you.Then it will be your turn to pose and smile back from the windows and attract more hapless victims to the other side. Muhahaha, I’ve figured it all out now! But alas,I only very well know that at the moment of judgment, I am surely going to falter and take the same steps like so many have before me and fallen to ruin. And that is how the cookie crumbles ;).

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How to be a Perfect Bachelor?

Foreword : Don’t panic ;) …for 2 reasons

1. We have moved to WordPress,to explore the world in better ways. 2. I have tried my hand at drawing. (You can click on images for fullscreen viewing).

Some of the images are taken from http://xkcd.com/. I had not mentioned this earlier because it seemed very obvious :). The fact that I wrote this post and copied even the drawing style was sort of a homage to the xkcd guy, Randall Munroe.Hope this clears things up. Go ahead :)

Being a bachelor is bliss.And not the Ignorance-is-bliss wala bliss.  How I wish I could continue the same lifestyle forever(I choose my words carefully there and said “lifestyle”, not “life”). Oh wait, why am I talking in this sad and forlorn tone? Hehe, no worries yet. Mom is still in her Stage 1 (coaxing, telling me affectionately that I should get married). But once she goes into her Stage 2 Release (emotional blackmail), the situation will get grim. Even if I survive that stage somehow, she’ll eventually unleash her ultimate Stage 3 Release (crying,tears blah blah). That will be the end of my resistance. But before something like that happens and I run for my dear life to escape her fury and plunge into the labyrinth of marital life, I want to leave behind a legacy.To my fellow geeky bachelors:)

There are a  few golden rules while being a bachelor.I admit I cannot call myself a perfect bachelor and I’ve known guys who with sheer genius have taken bachelorhood to colossal levels. But I have been given the resources and the responsibility here. And because I’ve seen Spiderman 1……Er….

With great power comes great responsibility
(memorable words from a fellow bachelor, Mr.Peter Parker)

Rule 1: Remember this while choosing a place to live – The fridge, the TV & you / Your PC (assuming you are always at the PC) form the sides of an isosceles triangle, at the least. More concisely,

dist (you to TV) = dist (you to fridge)
An equilateral triangle with side=6 would be sheer awesomeness. Pay extra rent if you discover such a place.

Rule 2:  Ensure at least 90% items in the fridge are beyond their expiry dates at any given point of time. And when you them so, don’t just throw them away randomly. Be a man of principle.

You will do well to have your math in place.

Rule 3: Theory of Relativity : Cleanliness is relative. Measure the cleanliness and wear-ability of your clothes only relative to others in the pile.

R-E-M-E-M-B-A : A spotlessly clean shirt is impossible to achieve.

Rule 4:  Cockroaches are FAMILY.Never harm a cockroach harmlessly passing you. If you have just seen a violent action flick and have adrenaline flowing out of you, respectfully yell at the cockroach to stop,face him,give him the respect he deserves by  bowing to him and only THEN smack.

And never forget to give a fitting funeral to the martyrs of war.

Rule 5: DO NOT waste internet bandwidth. Always keep downloading movies. Just keep piling them up but never actually watch them.

That was for you ,Vini :)

Rule 6 : When you decide to cook, don’t tell anyone what you are planning to cook. Let them decide what it is after they have tasted it. You never know what you might invent ;)

Wanna try my new Kesari bhath Pongal??? ;)

Rule 7: Never pay the rent on time. Atleast not before 20th of the month.Why,you ask? You think being a bachelor has anything to do with being reasonable?

Next month : Chaos Theory, Yeah babbby!

Rule 8 : Newton’s first law rocks! An object in a state of rest continues to be in a state of rest (on all weekends).  “Object in a state of motion”?Nope. Haven’t heard of such a thing.

Ah,who am I kidding??? Superman has sparking super-underpants. And 3 movies.

Peers & friends,let us all contribute in creating a new generation of lazy,apathetic & good-for-nothing bachelors who will be a beacon to carry forward the entire world.Suggest rules which I might’ve missed and worthy ones will find a place in history,like the above 8 rules (:D)


P.S: There is no drawing for Rule 1. Courtesy Rule 8
P.P.S : I feel my chances of finding a gal will dwindle considerably after all this. Maybe I’ll strive to attain Nirvana through bachelorhood. Err….Touchwood :P