Patch Releases Available!

Updated 20/03/11 7:16AM IST
We are glad to inform that patch releases are now available for both Man v2.3 & Woman 2.3 . Its a major,major release for us and god knows how we have slogged through nights and burnt weekend oils to get you this patch.Take a look at the features and updates below. You can download it directly from our website.


Brought to you by the Team
Special thanks to all my imperfect friends who have been my inspiration,always :-).

New Features added/ Bugs fixed:

Man v2.3 Patch Release 1.0.3

1) Improved compatibility with Wife/Girlfriend(WiGi) 2.1. ( WiGi application is far from stable yet. It will crash randomly causing problems to your system. What the new patch will do is put you in sleep mode for 60 sec cutting off all wireless connectivity. If WiGi 2.1 is still behaving abnormally after 60 sec,your system will turn itself off and has to be restarted manually. This is the best solution we can give as of now.)

2) Added color detection capability to the system. This is a major enhancement. The capability has now increased from 7 colors to 68 colors now.You will now be able to identify colors you knew existed but had never seen before (like mauve,amber,peach,mustard etc) in a flash. And you will be able to tell the difference between violet and purple.

3) Sensors for detecting and alerting when these people enter within 200 meters radius – Your boss,hot gal,cute gal,any gal & Dolly Bindra.

4) Option to set alarm/reminder for amount of time spent in couch switching channels. This is an awesome way to know just how big a couch potato you actually are. What’s more,you can’t trick the app into resetting the alarm by just switching off your TV with the remote. You will have to do it the hard way. Actually getting up and powering off the TV.

5) Fixed the “inadvertently picking nose in public and realizing when its too late” bug

6) Fixed the “Monday morning blues” module. Works perfectly now without any crashes or force stops.

7) Fixed a bug where the system goes into hypnosis mode after listening to a gal’s voice and starts taking orders like a robot (except when its through WiGi). No more distractions from TV and games!

8) Removed spurious and potentially dangerous messages like “You look fat today”,”that chick is hot” seen often while running WiGi 2.1 program which got introduced after the latest hotfixes added to the program.

Woman v2.3 Patch Release

1) Improved compatibility with Husband/Boyfriend (HBo) 2.1. ( HBo application is as slow as ever. It still hangs and stops responding when TV 6.3.2 program is running in parallel. What the new patch will do is put you in sleep mode for 90 sec cutting off all wireless connectivity.If HBo 2.1 is still not responding after 90 sec, your only option is to load our most useful app “Tears 1.6.3”. [If you are still on 1.6.2, upgrade now for greater stability and improved results]. If even the “Tears” program doesn’t do the trick, then your only option is to kill the “Husband/Boyfriend” process from the Task Manager and restart it.)

2) Fixed all blues modules from Monday to Sunday. But other blues keep coming into the system and upsetting it for which there seems to be no definite pattern. This should be up in the next release or the one after that.

3) Fixed a bug where the system goes into a infinite loop of “cho chweet, cho cute” on spotting babies or Imran Khan.This has a dependency HBo 2.1 program which might get jittery. Now the loop is exited after 5 times of “cho chweet”.

4) Fixed the bug where the “Tears 1.6.2” gets loaded automatically when “Movies 1.6.2” was operated in “Romantic” or “Drama” mode.

5) Removed spurious messages like “not in the mood” or “I have a headache” which tend to cause Hbo 2.1 to go into a tizzy.

6) New Modules added “World affairs”, “Stock market”,”Sports”,”Gadgets” and a few more. Can be installed or uninstalled independently.

7) Improved the “Shopping spree” module. This is how it works : When you pick up any apparel, the algorithm will calculate what else exactly you have to buy and what color so that it matches the one you picked. And it does all this keeping in mind the stuff already rotting in your wardrobe,which is stored in the database.

We hope you have a great time with the new patch. We’ll keep you updated on the work being done here. Have fun!

ATTENTION: Please ensure that your system is charged to at least 50% before beginning this process and plug it in as well. If the system gets bricked after or during the update, please don’t panic. Call our customer service center (Saturday,Sunday holiday) and the executive will take you through the procedure to unbrick your system safely.

Crises of our times:Part 1 – The 25-odd single Indian male

At this point,some of my friends are going to point out to me that I’m not 25-odd and that I’m, in fact, 26 years and 5 months, 6 days old and ticking. May god strike down upon them with thunder and lightning. Seems like quarter life crisis is a real thing. These days, I find myself exclaiming, “WTF? That Miss World chick can’t be 17! Look at how ‘healthy’ she looks” I guess I’m just in a state of denial. 2-3 years ago seemed much….better. I hope to grow out of this very soon and comfortably fantasize about gals much younger than me. And while we are on the topic,I shall no longer be jealous of Katrina Kaif. 3 years ago, I expressed my shock like this – this woman, this huge,big bosom-ed woman is MY age? While I look like a bachcha?!  3 years later, circa 2010, she did a Sheila Ki Jawani and I have no choice but to accept her wholeheartedly.Now lets look at the some of the practical aspects of the issue at hand. Being 25 and single, you are subjected to every kind of slander – from uncles you have never known “do you have a clear path for your career and life?” to the aunties “Beta,why you no marry? long term good. If no marry now, you retire and your son still no job” to your 15-year old niece “25 and single? Disgraceful” to your mom “Ayyo,why have you become dark? Have you tired applying honey mixed with lime?”. As for me,I have no worries. The family elders have assured me of total freedom – “we have no problem with you finding a gal by yourself.But she should be a Brahmin…and a kannadiga…and of course she should not be of the same gotra….and the 28 qualities in your horoscope should match. But you are free to select any gal you want”.This gotra thing is a huge issue.Until now,I had no opinion of sage Vishwamitra(my gotra) except for a mild amusement,courtesy his fiery affair with a high-profile celestial maiden, but now I positively annoyed at the guy.Actually, that kind of proves that I’m his descendant, because being annoyed was said to be his favorite kind of emotion.(which n turn implies I’ll have a fiery,passionate affair with some celestial babe..hee hee hee) Anyways,going by this, if I fancy a gal, I’m going to start the conversation with “So, what’s your gotra?”.And if she is the same gotra,”Blimey! We are brother and sister! I’m so glad I met you and asked you this question before I asked you out”.

Not that its easy to find a gal you fancy at this juncture.Forget college years, you have even past the age where you could just send fraandship request you any random gal on orkut,”like” every gal’s status message and comment on every photo in FB or log in to yahoo chat rooms and ping a “cutegal008” with “asl (age sex location)?”. By now, you would have seen lot of gals come, pass by, get married and settle down; you would have analyzed and ruthlessly judged your female friends for all their good and bad points (sorry? :D) and then painstaking built a mental image of your perfect girl,carried it around everywhere mentally doing a “scan” on every gal you meet and always ending up with a “Pattern match failed”.Slowly,wisdom dawns upon you. The other day when I told my “criteria” to Rashmi, she was surprised “This is all? You are not able to find a gal with such simple criteria?” I said “Oh,these are my arranged marriage criteria. My love marriage criteria are different”.Go ahead and judge me all you want, I only speak the truth.

And all your married (ex-)friends are no inspiration either.Right after marriage, they suddenly disappear from the face of the earth and are zapped into a parallel universe where no single is allowed access.You can only access them through windows between the two universes,like facebook photo albums, gtalk and such. As much as you want to believe from their cute,smiling faces in the pics, you can’t help but think that is an elaborate racket going on here. Everyone including your parents,close friends,relatives,the TV,the government,Suresh Kalmadi(why not?) is involved in this racket and are trying their level best to push you into the proverbial well.You never know what goes on in the other universe.You finally ignore all the ominous signs,all the warnings and finally take the bait and then the truth dawns upon you.Then it will be your turn to pose and smile back from the windows and attract more hapless victims to the other side. Muhahaha, I’ve figured it all out now! But alas,I only very well know that at the moment of judgment, I am surely going to falter and take the same steps like so many have before me and fallen to ruin. And that is how the cookie crumbles ;).

The Ultimate Wedding-Attendance Algorithm

Most of us in our age group have been attending friends’ or colleague’s marriages since sometime now and will have lot of marriages to attend in the near future too. And we are always faced with the dilemma of whether its worth the effort to attend the wedding or not. Like we recently attended a friend’s wedding at the far end of the town and by the end of it were left high and dry (I am clearly assuming that ‘friend’ is too busy enjoying the early fruits of marital bliss to read this post). So as my friend and guru revered Rashmi Mata put it, few factors come into play when deciding whether to attend a wedding. I went ahead and developed a full fledged algorithm for the same: The Ultimate Wedding-Attendance Algorithm.

The basic concept of the algorithm is simple. Its the mind-boggling permutations and combinatorial possibilities of all the factors that makes it difficult to understand and implement than,say the P vs NP Problem. Lets cut out the talk and dive straight in :

/* global Variables */

you_are_married = 0
// Looks pleasant as long as it is 0.You will know why this is required as we go along

/* Level 0 variables : The most powerful ones. Any of these, if set, override all the other factors and leave you with little choice but to attend the wedding. Carefully set them to zero at the start or face the dire consequences */

is_a_close_relative = 0   
is_a_close_friend = 0
is_your_manager = 0 

/* Level 1 variables : Little less powerful but have more weightage than level 2,3 */

you_are_alive = 1
/* Means you are a ghost and not visible to anyone. Its a good situation to be in when you think about it, coz then you don’t have to hide all your way to the stage to escape from aunties who will cast their blood-draining hold on your cheek and tug at it till your “Holy #$%#$% mother of Jesus” agony-filled shriek fills the hall. They would still they not let you go unless you agree to their “Its you next, babbby”. Again be careful with this parameter else your life can become a paradox and then self-destruct  */

you_are_zombie = 0
/*Tricky business this, being a zombie. Not that anyone will be idle enough to differentiate between a human and a zombie in an Indian wedding setting(except the  prying elderly aunties, of course and your socially challenged & utterly clueless geek friends ,which you will have if you are an IT Professional like me ). Still its advisable to exercise caution  when you finally get on the dais that you don’t bite off the girl’s hand or something when she tries to shake your hand. Remember : Subtlety is a virtue of great value */

/* I hope there is no confusion wrt to Level 0 & Level 1 till now. Just as an example, if its your manager’s wedding , you WILL attend the wedding regardless of whether your a ghost or a zombie */

you_are_seriously_not_well_or_injured = 0
// My parameter names are self-explanatory   ;)
you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 0 // Very useful but to be used with caution
wedding_out_of_town = 0

/* Level 2 variables Also called Rash’s params named after my friend who originally came up with this idea. Obviously the names will be the same as she quoted. You will learn the resourcefulness of these variables once we reach the algo */

venue_is_far_far = 0
date_is_a_wiikday = 0 // weekday
have_attended_your_wedding = 0
/* the bride or the groom have attended your wedding. Applicable only if  the global variable you_are_married = 1 */

/*Level 3  variables */

pretty_girls_expected = 1
/*Always set to default value 1,being the eternal hopeful. This clearly has the  potential to be at Level 0, but by precisely  measuring the inherent ambiguity of the variable and the fatal effects it could have if given overriding powers, I had to place it at a safe Level 3 where it can do little harm to the individual’s brain */

great_food_expected = 1 // Another ambiguous param , which can play with your mind and affect your body

relative_or_colleague_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass = 0
/*Ethics force you to set it to zero by default. A powerful and volatile variable which can even override “is_a_close_relative” (a Level 0) depending on the situation */


/*Let me be clear when I say I will only be presenting a part of the algo here because the entire algorithm is so complex with its interplay of variables that it will eventually be a lost cause for the ordinary layman for whom its actually made. I will be very happy to share the entire algo with anyone who is interested. Also I have decided to make it open source so anyone can edit or improvise the same.*/

/* I am not going to use Level 0 variables here. Extreme caution is advised while using them. Dont  them unless compulsary */

/*Combination of Level 1 & Level 2*/
if (you_are_zombie == 1 && venue_is_far_far == 1)
/* A special case. If you are a zombie and you have to travel far,
 you would reach months after the wedding considering how fast
zombies walk or the probability of a zombie hitch-hiking */
        chill_at_home_and_munch_on_man-wiches()  // like sand-wiches ;)

/*All Level 2*/
if (venue_is_far_far && date_is_a_wiikday)
// Remember its a conditional AND. so all the conditions need to be satisfied
     set you_are_giving_an_excuse_of_not_being_well = 1

/*all Level 3*/
if (pretty_girls_expected == 1 || relative_has_been_a_pain_in_the_ass == 0 )
/* Though both are Level 3, considering its a conditional OR
and assuming the if condition is evaluated from L to R,
the control enters the if loop as soon as pretty_girls_expected = 1 regardless of whether the relative has been a pain
in the ass or not */


/* As you can see , lot of scenarios in the algo are special cases and hence code reusabilty cannot be a factor. I will not bore you with more code (i know its already a lot :P) Hope it helps you de-clutter your mind on the subject and consequently guarantee more attendance at your wedding too. Hasta la vista!*/

February the 14th :D

If you are single and its Valentine’s day, you gottu admit somewhere in a teeny weeny corner of your mind (or heart???) you feel – I wish I didn’t have to celebrate this day just wishing every idiot (of course gals :P) around. But not this time around; this year, all the singles in India have an ‘excuse’. Feb 14th seems to bear more ill omen than any Friday the 13th you knew earlier.The caped of Indian culture, the utterly-unmasked vigilante, the ‘Dark’ Knight if I must say (On second thoughts, ‘Joker’ is a better name, I daresay) is patrolling the streets of Bangalore City. The Dark Lord is gathering his forces; the ‘Eye’ is watching over you in every coffee shop, every restaurant,not to mention any pub you will dare to enter. So my request to the concerned guys and gals – Celebrate Valentine’s day safely.Do not be seen in the proximity of a coffee shop or a pub. It might be injurious to your bf/gf’s health . Or by the end of day, you might end up a married couple ;)

But the whole drama has now taken a very spicy twist . A larger,more formidable force is rising – The ‘Pink Chaddi’ brigade. Battle Royale is on the cards. One can sense a palpable tension in the air as the day approaches.Meanwhile, a popular news channel reporter caught one ‘monkey’ from the ‘Sene’. Here are some excerpts from the interview:

Q: What’s your plan for the Valentine’s day, err..Sir?
A: Quite simple,catch women in tight jeans and teach them Indian culture,in a peaceful manner,with one or two slaps

Q: Do you think doing this will protect Indian culture?
A: Think? I am not programmed to think. Next question

Q: What is your methodology of finding these ‘Pub-going,loose and forward’ women?
A: See, we have these ‘noodle-strap,tight-jeans’ detecting devices fitted on our tongues.We just have to go about wagging our tongues throughout the city. Once these ‘futuristic’ devices detect something, they start beeping and that’s the time we go berserk

Q: And what plans do you have to counter the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign?
A: Don’t you know of a guy who wears ‘red chaddi’ and protects the world? Red nahi to pink hi sahi

Q: The original ‘SriRamaSene’ had only one agenda : to save their queen from the clutches of Ravana and bring her back. Isn’t it ironic that you are one of ‘Sene’ and have plans which are quite deviating from the original one?
A : There was no other ‘ShriRamasene’. We are the only authentic ‘monkeys’ of our kind (much cheering in the background) and our only aim is to protect the Indian Culture

(Suddenly the device starts beeping and he realizes the reporter is wearing a tight jeans. End of interview. It was reported later that the reporter was safe, much to the chagrin of the ‘Joker’ and his followers)

Happy Valentine’s Day :)

MCPSri Pavan Kumar Kulkarni!!!

A female friend of mine bestowed the highest civilian award in the country upon me. Members of Wannabe-MCP Association in Ghatkopar have burnt effigies of me and raised slogans.The spokesperson of the society has already made a public declaration in Aaj Tak that once they find the person who has awarded me this honor, they will make an effigy and burn it. So,in order to save the effigy,we shall just keep the person-in-question’s identity a secret. For people wondering if I am a deserving enough candidate for the title, here’s the story.

Well,its not much of a story. Few friends of mine were planning to watch Fashion. I plainly said I don’t like most of the movies with female leads(Hollywood or Bollywood) as they are pathetic. (Ok fine, I finally saw the movie.But this much I ‘ll say in my honor.They had to call me thrice). So if this doesn’t make me the biggest MCP in the country, what will??? :P :P Male chauvinism is all about not watching Charlie’s Angels,for example,correct?

I wonder why we don’t have an all-girls version of Dil Chahta Hai (I couldn’t resist this – Dil Chahti Hai? :D) Wonder why all good female-oriented movies are tear-jerkers? Wonder why we don’t have a lady Indiana Jones? Uh wait,dude … You talking about Lara Croft – Tomb Raider???

I rest my case.May justice prevail.

(Lara Croft was fabulous,tho.No doubt)