CALVIN! Where’s the TYRE!!!?

As much as I have a permanent inertia against leaving home (unless its for r a movie or hanging out with friends), I do have a couple of relatives who I visit sometimes just not to alienate myself( and of course, for the food ;) ). Ah,such adorable kids they have.Who wouldn’t wanna spend time with their nieces or kid-cousins, who entertain you with their sweet-talk, hug you and generally make you feel happy? Hehe, you guys already know I’m kidding(or “kid”ding,if you please),right? They are nothing less than devil- incarnate,believe me!. The “Enfant terrible”s have put me in such screwy situations they made me wish that I could disapparate (to disappear magically,HP) to the top of a lava-spurting Eyjafjallaj√∂kull. I think most people will relate to the below scenarios : 

Scene 1
I enter the house. The kids look at me and go “Yaayyyyy! Pavananna has come! Yaayy”! I reply cheerfully “Hiii Ankita!How did your exams go?” My mistake. Her mom,who was happily welcoming me till now,turns grim within a split-second and goes spiraling in a non-stop tirade on how the girl has left one “fill-in-the-blanks” blank (The heading says Fill-in-the-blank.How can she leave it blank? :D) and  done a multiple choice question wrong and so she’ll end up getting only 96.5% , and not 99.4% (as the next door aunty’s son haughtily claimed of getting). All this while Ms.Ankita looks daggers at me,muttering under her breath, “You $@#@#,I’ll have my revenge”. But soon everything is forgotten and we start playing and talking.

Scene 2
Everyone is watching TV. Suddenly the little devil yells “PAVANANNA, I WANNA PLAY WITH YOUR MOBILE.GIMME YOUR MOBILE!”. I oblige immediately, foolishly assuming that its better than the cacophony blasting my eardrums now. She occupies herself with the mobile for sometime while peace prevails (Noises from the TV are not even comparable). And suddenly, “PAVANANNA,YOU GOT A MSG FROM SO-N-SO GAL.IT SAYS ‘WASSUP?WHAT U DOIN”” I instinctively take furtive glances at the elders in the room,who, I am pretty certain, even with their heads firmly turned towards the TV, have all their ears on my side of the room now. They need not have struggled so much.My ever-inquisitive niece is not one to be silenced so soon. As I give a nervous fake smile and reach for my mobile,she starts off, “WHO IS THIS SO-N-SO GAL???IS SHE YOUR GIRLFRIENDDDD? HEE HEE, ARE YOU GONNA MARRRRY HER?HEE HEE” (Wait! WHAA….?) Now everyone else has no excuse to even look at the TV and have completely focussed their attention on me. I meekly & defensively say “Noooo” with a stupid guffaw (I dunno why I felt compulsive to answer a 9-year old) Then I begin my Rescue-thy-pride mission : keep staring down at the mobile with such ferocious single-mindedness & concentration that any outsider would believe I’m writing down the proof for a complex quantum theory equation which will disprove The Theory of Relativity and turn science,as we know it,upside down (Einstein would gape in horror and awe from his grave). And I stick to that stance until a messiah on the reality show TV yells something and everyone turns back to him

Scene 3
Me & my niece are sitting watching “Spongebob Squarepants” on Nick. After 20 minutes of marvellingon how these over-smart kids still enjoy something so dumb(and thanking god for that), I ask “Naina,can I have the remote? I’m bored”. “Nooooo,only 10 minutes more and the episode will get over. Then I’ve give you the remote.OK?” she says blinking her eyes ever innocently. I smile and say “OK”. Just then,the TV blares “….and stay tuned for the 2-hour weekend special of SPONGEBOB SQUAREPANTS!!!”
She goes “Yaaay!”
“Hey come on, you said you’ll give me the remote”
“Baaaaaahhhh!Waaaaaaaahhhh!”
“Ok ok. You keep the remote.I’ll just go home…and never vist you again” (hee hee hee)
She contemplates once this for a while. “Okay fine. I will give you the remote.You can watch whattttever you want……till I come back from the bathroom!” and runs off leaving me open-mouthed.
I relax for a while and keep surfing channels wondering if anything good ever comes on this idiot box. A particularly riveting sequence in one of the English movie channels holds my attention for more than usual and I linger on for a little while more. (I’ll remind you here,Murphy’s law are not some random bullshit.Never ignore them) Right at that moment,the little devil comes running back to claim her remote. She turns to the TV and is horrified by what she is seeing. “CHEEEE! MUMMIE!!! PAVANANNA IS WATCHING GIRL AND BOY KISSING!!!” I can’t help shouting out inadvertently “Heyyy! Shhhh. They are just kissing”. As they say,the damage is done. What I would not give to just evaporate from the face of the earth in a puff of smoke that very instant. I fumble with the remote while that abominable thing is playing on TV,*click* (Priyanka Chopra in a luscious bikini in Dostana) *click* random woman dancing in rain in a South Indian movie *more frantic click* “This is Atul Mehta,Mumbai correspondent,Aaj Tak” Sigh.Safe.All this happens in a time frame of 15 seconds.My cousin laughs a bit and just stays in the kitchen,thankfully. I do not touch the remote the whole of my stay there and settle down to watch back-back episodes of Spongebob squarepants.

Scene 4
Little devil’s teen-aged elder sis comes in.They start arguing over something and start fighting and the elder one goes “Get the f*uck off me,moron”. The smaller one claps her hand to her mouth,
“Akka! You just said the F-U-C-K word! Wait I’ll tell mommy”
“Shudd-up!I didn’t, Reee-tard” (My uncle is US returned. So my cousins still retain a distinct accent.Cool stuff)
“Yes you did!Pavananna she said the F-U-C-K word, didn’t she?”
I was already grinning.”Yeah,she did”.
“Reee-tard,get lost” and she storms out of the room.
The younger one starts giving me gyan “Dad told me F-U-C-K & S-U-C-K are bad words. But I think “shit” & “crap” are OK.They didn’t scold me when I used them.And speaking of scolding, B-I-T-C-H is a bad word too.”(ponders a bit)”But I wanna know what F-U-C-K means? Do you know what that means?”
“Ah,I don’t know” trying to sound as ignorant as possible, to which I get a “Man,You are a dumbo.All elders know that.How old are you anyway?”

Scene 5
We are sitting around for dinner. Ms.Smartypants is at it again. Giggling she says, “Amma,Pavananna is hesitating to serve the rice for himself. I think he is feeling shy. Pavananna,go ahead. There is lot of rice for all of us” As much as this is most embarassing,more annoying and scary is the fact that those were the exact thoughts going on in my head.Phew,kids these days! Anyways, I get over the hiccup and continue eating with a lot of rice in my plate now. Her mom comes,serves her a gulab jamun and goes inside to get more. Little devil turns sweet “Amma,bari nange hakidiyalla.Paapa ivninge haakalva Jamun-u? (You served the jamun only to me.Why didnt you serve the jamun to him, Poor guy)”.Her mom says mockingly “No I wont give him. He’s nobody to me”. “Ayyo Paapa,aa thara ella madbaardu.Kodamma (Ayyo Poor thing,we should not act like this.Lets give him too)”. We couldn’t stop laughing. Its amazing how kids balance their minds with the inherent innocence which is part of growing-up and the pseudo-maturity they acquire from their surroundings.

P.S : I love my nieces,nephews and kid-cousins. They are better than the elders,anyday ;)
P.P.S : This is my tribute to Calvin & Hobbes,the greatest comic ever

Sleepless in Ejipura

Its been a week now. I have been having sleepless early mornings because of a Rooster. Er… don’t get me wrong here. A Rooster-crowing,to be precise.Yessiree, I hear early morning cock-crowing,here,in Bangalore.Opposite house to mine. Nostalgic,u say? Well,it has been a real pain in the arse to me(And you can guess the magnitude of my plight if I am using expletives without **). The first time it happened, I was rudely awakened wondering who is the moron playing Himesh songs at 5 in the morning! I know you can’t call a cock-crowing nasal by any stretch of imagination. Actually, I think its as throaty as it can get. Still, one thing very much common between the two (Mr.Rooster & Himesh, if we have meandered too much) is the stress on the last syllable (Ooooooooooooooo!). Oh, just realized there’s more. The cap!!! Anyways, Himesh Bhai has been lying low for a while now & there might be a probability this piece might act as a catalyst to wake him up from his reverie(Yeah,right :P). I shall not digress further.

So,where were we? Ah,now Mr.Rooster is as persistent as,say,my mom when she bugs me to get the tiffin box in which she packed my dinner on the journey back from HYD to Bangalore(“It’ll be nice if you can find the spoon too”). I needed to take urgent measures for the problem. Started listening to Restful Sleep(audiobook) by Deepak Chopra. Such a waste. The guy talks only about Ayurveda,the body forms vata,pitta,bata (:D) or something to that effect. Never does he mention a certain Rooster and what needs to be done .Not even a word.For now,I have resigned to my fate. Sleep seems as distant and as impossible as an Akki movie winning the Oscar. Since we all know ultimately what fate awaits the cock (:(), I cannot be held guilty for wishing my opposite door gentlemen sing “Tandoori ‘chicken’ nights” (hey! Himesh song!) sooner than later. If its of any solace to anyone, I’ll say this: RIP,Mr.Rooster.

Here is a pic, taken from the balcony-like area beyond the front door(I should’ve taken another pic to show you the guys the relative location. This needed some zooming).

As you can see, there’s a Ms.Hen too, in the background. I am 100% sure it is also involved in contributing to my misery. Only, the MCP that I am, Mr.Rooster grabbed ‘meat’ier part ;)

P.S: Ejipura is where I reside
P.P.S: I like some of HR songs,actually
P.P.P.S : Gaara is back in Naruto manga!!! :))

The ‘Amazing’ Swayamwar

Move over Elections,move over IPL, the biggest event the year is here – Rakhi Ka Swayamwar. Rakhi Sawant(RS) has confirmed in a recent interview a strong speculation which was doing rounds – Lalit Modi & the EC had requested Rakhi to postpone the Swayamwar till after the elections and the IPL are over. Modi actually made a deal with Rakhi that he will send some cricketers to the show if she postpones it till the IPL is over. I wonder why EC hasn’t issued as public thanks to Rakhi because if not for her , the vote percentage would’ve been much lower than the measly number now.

Anyways, now that everything is settled, the Swayamwar is all set to commence. And I, much like the Fake IPL Player have some inside information on the show (Fake Rakhi suitor? No I wouldn’t go as far to call myself that :P)Lets get to the point now. I heard SRK has sent his entire team,expenses included, to the show as a ‘reward’ for their achieve-the-impossible performance in IPL2. Last heard, some Gang-wala-Dada was in a fit of rage saying he’s married and elderly people should be respected etc etc. He was packed off nevertheless. Ishant Sharma was excited (like)a child and has conveniently forgotten the promise he made to mom that he would return home “Ganga jaisa pavitrr“.

Rakhi has personally invited some eligible bachelors to improve the ‘glamour quotient’ of the show. Of course Salman would be there(No reason. You dare question Salman Khan? Not even on a blog!). I have heard even Aamir would be there as he is planning to cast Parthiv Patel (yeah,he’s there too) for TZP-2. Sreesanth has been invited simply because when it comes to melodramatic performances in real life, he’s only next to the woman herself. Bhajji has been specifically invited to inspire(read slap) Sree and make him bring forth his melodramatic side. Tushaar Kapoor and Harman Baweja invited themselves (C’mon guys, how many months can one spend on a playtation at home?)

About the format of the show,well, here’s info on that too. Since Rakhi has stated she likes strong muscular men, there will be a do-or-die fight round. Of course, if its Ishant vs Salman, it will be “do” for one and “die” for the other. Bhajji vs Sree should be fun to watch what with all the slapping and the crying. And with all this drama going on around, can the original drama queen stay behind? Its her Swayamwar after all! I can imagine her saying “Chalo chalo, ab sab log laine mein khadhe ho jao aur ek ek karke mujhe woo karo…. Mujhse shaadi karna hai ki nai, chalo mera achcha bachcha, you come woo to me

Well, looks like I have revealed a bit too much guys. Anything more, and the NDTV bosses have threatened that it’ll be shut-shop for this blog. Ah! Like I’ll let them wrench away my freedom of expression… Ah! like my readers will let them (I can sees the :Ps) . Also whats the fun if the entire storyline of a high-on-adrenaline suspense thriller is revealed beforehand?. Of course, I wont be watching it coz its a drama whose script I already know….. Muuhaaahhhaaa (Love the mytho-demon laugh) :D

A ‘fly-catching’ art

A far-off relative of mine is an expert at,you guessed it, fly-catching. Swatting mosquitoes is way too common, but as far as my knowledge goes, fly-catching is an unique art. Years and years ago, when the world was ignorant about animal rights (or more precisely insect rights in this case. Sure Maneka Gandhi wouldn’t mind even now???) and people were too naive to care about the poor fly, this man’s talent was a huge hit with us kids. He would be just sitting there as laid back and as relaxed as …George Bush speaking to an audience of chimps (???) . We would be waiting with a heart-in-the-mouth tension for that blink-and-you-miss move(literally!). Zap!There it comes! …Dead silence…. Of course, you missed it (Not to bother, he always showed us the slow motion later) We would all hear the buzzing and wriggling sound of the fly inside his lightly closed fist. Then with a momentary smile he would open his fist and then the fly is free to fly! Applause all around… Mind you, this is a zillion quadrillion times non-violent than mosquito swatting. As you already know by now, the fly is alive and its a happy ending, but of course…

Curious how he mastered the art ? Quoting the man himself, what we are seeing now is the fruit-bearing of years and years of drudgery. ‘An art like ’tis don’t come easy’ he says with a solemn look on his face as the kid-me listened to him,awestruck. ‘I ain’t going to school,’ he would yell simultaneously howling in pain when his father smacked his hind side with a smooth cane non-stop ‘until I catch a 100 flies today ‘. It was his passion. Its no surprise today there’s no better goddamn fly-catcher in the whole wide world (He’s the only one as of now,but that a totally irrelevant point and out of context). I can as far as go and say I drew inspiration from him, I mean not in fly-catching (he advised me not to get into it as I never had the fire-in-the-belly passion to catch flies), but in everything else I did. I cannot with all my heart say I haven’t tried my hand at the trick a couple of times or more, but as I found out, I was not meant to be.

Well,coming back to that far-relative of mine, the truth is that the guy never got any tangible gains from his unique talent. Nobody called him to their house to perform his feat, nobody at weddings cared for him (except we kids that is) when he caught multiple flies at a single flick of his arm, nobody even acknowledged the greatness of the art. Even Tusshar Kapoor will envy his no-success story. But then, what was so evident and palpable on his face was his contentment, his happiness. I met him after many years recently at a wedding, ( and while we were trying to make conversation, (zap!) he lazily flicks his arm. Then I remember, and ask him curiously,”Innu siktava (Do they still get caught) ???”. In slow motion, he raises his fist to eye-level, opens it, and as I watch with open-mouthed wonder, a fly bursts out and flies off into the air, gradually bringing wrinkled face back into focus, smiling proudly at me. He wistfully adds, ‘Ain’t no enough flies to catch these days. Maybe they should file for extinction’ . I couldn’t bring myself to tell him he ought to stop this now….

February the 14th :D

If you are single and its Valentine’s day, you gottu admit somewhere in a teeny weeny corner of your mind (or heart???) you feel – I wish I didn’t have to celebrate this day just wishing every idiot (of course gals :P) around. But not this time around; this year, all the singles in India have an ‘excuse’. Feb 14th seems to bear more ill omen than any Friday the 13th you knew earlier.The caped of Indian culture, the utterly-unmasked vigilante, the ‘Dark’ Knight if I must say (On second thoughts, ‘Joker’ is a better name, I daresay) is patrolling the streets of Bangalore City. The Dark Lord is gathering his forces; the ‘Eye’ is watching over you in every coffee shop, every restaurant,not to mention any pub you will dare to enter. So my request to the concerned guys and gals – Celebrate Valentine’s day safely.Do not be seen in the proximity of a coffee shop or a pub. It might be injurious to your bf/gf’s health . Or by the end of day, you might end up a married couple ;)

But the whole drama has now taken a very spicy twist . A larger,more formidable force is rising – The ‘Pink Chaddi’ brigade. Battle Royale is on the cards. One can sense a palpable tension in the air as the day approaches.Meanwhile, a popular news channel reporter caught one ‘monkey’ from the ‘Sene’. Here are some excerpts from the interview:

Q: What’s your plan for the Valentine’s day, err..Sir?
A: Quite simple,catch women in tight jeans and teach them Indian culture,in a peaceful manner,with one or two slaps

Q: Do you think doing this will protect Indian culture?
A: Think? I am not programmed to think. Next question

Q: What is your methodology of finding these ‘Pub-going,loose and forward’ women?
A: See, we have these ‘noodle-strap,tight-jeans’ detecting devices fitted on our tongues.We just have to go about wagging our tongues throughout the city. Once these ‘futuristic’ devices detect something, they start beeping and that’s the time we go berserk

Q: And what plans do you have to counter the ‘pink chaddi’ campaign?
A: Don’t you know of a guy who wears ‘red chaddi’ and protects the world? Red nahi to pink hi sahi

Q: The original ‘SriRamaSene’ had only one agenda : to save their queen from the clutches of Ravana and bring her back. Isn’t it ironic that you are one of ‘Sene’ and have plans which are quite deviating from the original one?
A : There was no other ‘ShriRamasene’. We are the only authentic ‘monkeys’ of our kind (much cheering in the background) and our only aim is to protect the Indian Culture

(Suddenly the device starts beeping and he realizes the reporter is wearing a tight jeans. End of interview. It was reported later that the reporter was safe, much to the chagrin of the ‘Joker’ and his followers)

Happy Valentine’s Day :)

The Journey – 2: The Train, The TT & The Chutney

The Journey – Part 1 : Here

Clairvoyance…
Now whats so special about this station? The Idli-Wada here, more specifically the chutney is in the creme-de-la-creme range (Chutney-de-la-Chutney anyone???). You wont find a hotter/spicier chutney(good not good is a perception) in the big wide world . I had to act.

As it was not my usual train today, the idli shops were still open when the train reached here. And I was hungry too (Mr.Pinocchio, you had just gobbled down a plate full of Biryani 10 min back!You were not hungry!)Usually I am not good at prioritizing things, but with this heightened sense, your clarity of thought increases tenfold. The lost-ticket issue quickly got stored as meta-data in the brain,to be retrieved at a later time; all the brain cells focused on the job – the get-idly-chutney mission. The body then quickly responded, got down the train, got a pack of idli-wada and got back in the train with a sense of accomplishment . Done. More to exhibit some normal human behavior than any worry over the lost ticket, I reluctantly kept the pack aside and searched the bag for the ticket. Two whole minutes of searching proved futile. I opened the idli-wada pack and started savoring the yummy idli- chutney (Eat eat, you Bakasura!) . Mmmm…The taste hasn’t changed even after 7-8 years. Few things just don’t change :) .

So I waited and waited for the D-time (like D-day, you know)…… The guy never appeared. To keep my mind occupied, I went about the most logical thing to do – think about how to convert this into my next blog post, without actually knowing the ending. Its actually like yourself being in a suspense thriller! 9..10..10.30…10.45…10.50…. Then suddenly,as if to mock all my sense of caution and foreboding , simply out of thin air, appeared the TT -“Aapka ticket dikhaiye”… I gingerly produced my PAN Card “Sir, mera e-ticket ka print out kho gaya”…. Without even speaking a word, he turned to the next guy and asked for his ticket and the person next, leaving me wondering .

Finally he came back to me.”Sir, mere paas ID proof hain…” I showed my PAN card trying to twist my face to make it look like the one in the PAN card. He examined the PAN card for a few sceptical minutes, checked the list and repeated the same steps all over again .Then he promptly asked me to cough up Rs.50.Sigh!!!. He even gave me a receipt for the same. So it was once again Triumph of the Absent-minded. And, if I must add, the suspense thriller had turned out to be an anti-climax in the worst sense…

And then it struck me (Remember, all suspense thrillers have a flash back of shocking revelation at the end). The cyber cafe! I had taken a print-out of the ticket at the cyber cafe and kept them in the my back-pack.Then to make sure of the train time, I took the ticket out only to find out the time is not mentioned there. So I put down the print-out on the table (camera zooms on my hand..slow motion starts), check the timings in the website and walk out leaving the ticket BEHIND!!! Ahhh…(cut to the present) I am staring right into the face of the TT who has transformed into a hideous looking zombie with a scimitar in his hand….(Axe is passe) and I look around… the compartment is full of zombies… I scream …and then….SLAAASSH….

(Don’t bother guys, just another flash of my ‘imaginary brilliance’….I mean…Ok just forget it…I reached Hyd next day morning 4.45 am,got down at the station,smiled & walked off into the mundane…)

The Journey – 1 : The Train,The Ticket & The Zombie

Even after 2 months, no one has still asked me why the blog is called ‘Chaos is Forever’???( Do people know me so well? Or they just don’t give a damn? My optimistic side surely its the former (My painfully practical side says surely people have much better things to do! :D)

08/12/2008. 4:00 PM .I got on the train from Bangalore to Hyderabad . Yes!yes!yes!I had booked the train tickets this time (Never mind I could not book tickets on time for the train which starts from Majestic station and for this train I had to go all the way to Y’pur!!! ). It was smooth journeying till 8 pm(reading His Dark Materials:The Amber Spyglass, listening to music). I had even got myself tuned to the incessant braying from the almost-berth-full college goers,supposedly on a trip. And at that point in time, as paradoxical as it may sound, came the expected twist in the tale. I opened my bag to check for my e-ticket print out. And what do I discover??? Bingo!!!

I was quite puzzled because for once I vividly remembered keeping the ticket in the bag. Well, I am quite at home during situations like these, so don’t expect me to get all panicky and act hyper.I usually have a strategy during such situations: Ask yourself – What’s the worst case scenario??? I had an ID proof and all but still had the least idea how the TT will react at the audacity. More often than not, you might expect another one from the get-rid-of-the-IT-people community to appear and growl “You e-ticket-losing morons, you Ipod-wielding dumbsh*ts,I guess I have been bestowed this opportunity to rid the world of your species.The world will be all the better with one less Software Engineer”. The man gives a ferocious roar, lifts me up with two hands and hauls me out of the running train.I stumble and get on my feet to find myself in an eerily deserted station. I enter the eerily deserted town and find out its inhabited with zombies. I run back to the station only to find out what? There is no station!!! Thousands of zombies stagger towards me hungrily from all directions… (Yes,lot of time to kill when you are traveling alone) Presently, I came back to the real world with no zombies. I need to search the entire bag once, I thought.

Meanwhile, the train stopped. I absently asked a porter “Ee station babu?”( In telugu, every stranger’s name is Babu) . The guy answered, “Dharmavaram Babu…” Instantly,I felt it. A heightened sense of things. The bigger picture. Clairvoyance…

(The Journey…Will continue)